What to Say Instead of “Stop Crying”: How to Comfort Your Kids
Learning what to say instead of “stop crying” is a skill that you’ll want to develop so you can either head off a tantrum before it happens or soothe your child when a tantrum is underway.
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Tl;dr: What to say instead of “Stop Crying!”
If you're ready to become a better parent so you can nurture the amazing bright light that is your child, then you need to take this course now. Neuroscience for parents: How to raise amazing kids is the best online evidence-based parenting course you can take. Alternatively, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk contains a ton of information, including cheat sheets, and role-playing. This is a classic!
The pressure to get a child to stop crying
You’re out at the soft play with your child, and everything is going well. Until you hear him let out a piercing wail that heralds a glorious tantrum that can last for ages.
Your heart sinks. He doesn’t respond to a “stop crying”. What can you do to get him to stop immediately? What to say instead of “stop crying”?
Not only does every single doubt you’ve ever had about the way you parent now trip over each other in your mind, but you’re also horribly aware that everyone is looking at you.
And maybe you’re not fully aware – but certainly, you have an idea – that what you do now, how you interact with your child, will impact not only your own relationship with your child but also the way the other adults treat their own children.
So, faced with so much pressure, what do you do?
Well, if you are in any way traditional or grew up in a traditionally parented society, then your immediate goal is probably to get your child to stop crying.
And to do that, you’d probably go with the most direct way because, hey, your child is so young yet and probably won’t understand anything more complicated than “stop crying”.
So that’s what you say, “Stop crying!”
You say it firmly, too, just so there isn’t any doubt as to who is in charge of this relationship.
Did it work?
Or did it make your child cry all the harder, making forlorn sounds that would make anyone not watching think something far worse is going on than parental intervention gone wrong?
But, but, but what can you do in a situation like that? Is it bad to tell a child to stop crying?
You need to calm the child down; people are looking for heaven’s sake! What would they say?
(By the way, it doesn’t matter what a bunch of strangers you’ll never see again think about the way you parent your child. Their goodwill (which is not guaranteed in the first place anyway) is not worth the cost to your relationship with your child.)
The answer, of course, is no.
And in the heat of the moment, that’s what we as primary caregivers need to remember.
Our focus is on our child, who is clearly in distress. Otherwise, I can tell you your child will not be experiencing an emotional meltdown.
Remember that she doesn’t enjoy the experience any more than you do.
So, resist the tendency to snap, “Stop crying!”
Why?
Top 3 reasons why you shouldn’t say “stop crying”
Here are three main reasons why you should reconsider saying, “Stop crying”:
- Saying “stop crying” is ineffective.
- Crying is essential.
- The words are often disrespectful.
“Stop crying” is ineffective
The first reason why you shouldn’t say “stop crying” is that the words are rarely effective. They just make your child cry harder.
Why?
Because the more you try to suppress your child’s feelings – the very frustration and fear that drive their tears – the more they don’t feel heard. And the more they don’t feel heard, the more they will need even more support from you in the future.
This means instead of becoming more independent, they become more needy and clingy – needing more and more reassurance.
It’s the same with adults, come to think of it.
When you’re trying to send a very important message, but that message gets ignored, you get louder, and you try harder to get heard.
Crying is essential.
The second and probably the more important reason why parents should try to avoid saying “stop crying,” has to do with the role that crying plays in a young child’s life.
Scientific studies since the 1950s have shown that young children simply do not have the brain development necessary to self-soothe – one of the more insidious myths of parenting that is extremely popular despite any lack of evidence to support its use.
So, I will repeat here what scientists discover time and time again.
Crying is an important outlet for the tumultuous and passionate feelings that often swamp young children.
In other words, it’s healthy and necessary.
It’s appropriate for them to “lose it” when they’re experiencing negative emotions that they do not understand or when something is happening that they cannot control (e.g. divorce, a parent introducing another partner etc.).
It’s okay and totally normal for them to need your help to regulate their emotions because they do not have the skill to do so.
“Stopy crying” can be disrespectful.
When we say “stop crying”, we show our children that their feelings – no matter how intense (and if they are this young, feelings are always intense) – are unimportant.
We trivialize them and mock them and tell them they’re silly for feeling the way they do and acting the way they do.
This, in turn, can result in young children growing up to be the kind of obnoxious teenager who lacks empathy and mocks weakness and upset in other people. Precisely the kind of child we don’t want ours to eventually be.
We also show our children that they cannot trust us with their true feelings and thoughts, and we then drive them to the arms of other people (mostly their school peers) who could fulfill the need that we cannot.
So, if we want our children to learn how to regulate their emotions and to trust us with their problems and their feelings, then we need to be worthy of that trust.
Of course, this all comes down to the tone of voice. Saying, “There, there, you can stop crying now,” is very different from, “OMG, stop crying already. Just shut up!” The former is soothing, the latter is disrespectful.
But, I don’t want to reward their tantrums!
One of the most pervasive myths about showing empathy and compassion to young children while they are in the throes of a tantrum is that doing so will reinforce unwanted behaviour.
So, let me just clarify this.
Showing empathy and compassion when calming an emotional child does not mean you are giving positive reinforcement (although, to be honest, I hate this phrase because we’re raising children, not training rats, which is what the psychologist B.F. Skinner used to show the principle at work).
It is acknowledging the fact that your children are people too.
Let me ask you this: what would you do if your closest friend had an emotional meltdown?
Would you tell her to “stop crying because she’s being silly”?
No, you’d make sure she knew that you’ve got her back.
What would you expect your partner to do if you were having an emotional meltdown?
Would you appreciate it if he came to you, rolled his eyes and said, “Oh, stop crying already or I’ll give you something to cry about!”?
It’s the same with a child.
So, how do you deal with an emotional child?
What to say to an emotional child: A cheatsheet
Here are a few examples of what we often say to a child having a meltdown – and what to say instead. For more, I really recommend the How to Talk Series by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish.
Instead of: “Stop crying!”
Say: “I can see you’re having such a hard time. It’s hard when you don’t get what you want.”
That’s a true statement regardless of age, so why wouldn’t you acknowledge it? Agree that it’s hard to be denied or rejected because let’s face it, it is damn hard.
You don’t have to give in to what she wanted. She just needs to know that while she’s not perfect, she’s loved beyond measure.
Instead of: “Stop crying! You’re being so silly.”
Say: “You don’t want comfort from me and that’s okay. I’ll be right here until you’re ready.”
Then stay in the same room with her so she knows her mother will always love her even when she’s experiencing ugly emotions that she doesn’t understand.
Instead of: “Stop crying and stop hitting me! That’s it!” *SMACK*
Say: “I can see you’re angry. You’re so angry you want to hurt me. I cannot let that happen. I’m your mother and I’m not for hitting. I’ll leave the room for now but I’ll wait for you outside until you’re ready.”
Then leave the room but check in once in a while. Make sure she’s safe. Make sure she knows she’s loved.
And when the storm has passed, that’s when you talk about what happened. That’s when you discuss what’s acceptable and what isn’t.
Because when she is in an emotional meltdown, her brain won’t have the ability to process new information. It’s in stress mode and you won’t be able to get through to her.
What to say instead of stop crying
Now, you may be in the position I found myself in when I was first confronted with the cascading emotions of a toddler on a full-blown emotional meltdown.
I knew that “stop crying” was likely not going to end well (you can ask my husband how we both know the answer to that question, hah!), but I had no idea what to do next.
Luckily, I froze and just held my child without actually saying anything, which I later found out was one of the best ways to handle the situation.
It’s true, though. Sometimes, we just need someone to hold us close and rock us until the emotions have passed.
But what else can you do?
First, just remember that if you were traditionally raised (in other words, the “children are to be seen and not heard” kind of parenting where you’re not allowed to express your own emotions), you may find it triggering to experience a scenario where a child is fully expressing their sadness, anger, disappointment, or any other negative emotion.
Fortunately, children will always give you a new opportunity to practice your parenting skills.
So, keeping your head firmly on your shoulders every time it happens and resisting the impulse to bark “stop crying” will help not only your relationship with your child but also with your inner child.
Many find the process incredibly healing.
Second, take a look at your options below and start practising how the words feel on your tongue before you actually need to use them, so they become second nature:
1. It’s okay to be (*insert emotion here*).
2. I can see you’re having such a hard time.
3. I’m right here.
4. You’re not alone.
5. We’ll get through this together.
6. I’ll help you.
7. I understand.
8. It’s hard when you don’t get what you want.
9. You don’t want comfort from me and that’s okay. I’ll be right here until you’re ready.
10. I can see you’re angry. You’re so angry you want to hurt me. I cannot let that happen. I’m your mother, and I’m not for hitting. I’ll leave the room for now, but I’ll wait for you outside until you’re ready.
Final Tips
Sometimes, knowing what not to do is just as important as knowing what to do, and in that vein, please remember the following:
Resist the urge to distract your child to stop him from crying. Imagine telling someone you love that you are feeling depressed today, and they respond with, “Wow, do you see that cake? You love cake! Quick, let’s go get some! That’ll make you feel better.” before dragging you to the shop while talking non-stop – as if you hadn’t said anything. How would you feel?
Saying, “Shh, it’s okay, don’t worry, you’ll be fine”, can backfire. Yes, you wanted to reassure your child that you’ll get everything sorted and that whatever they’re feeling right now will pass (because nine times out of ten, they really are okay!). But for a child who doesn’t even have a proper concept of time, this doesn’t help. All they know is that things aren’t okay. They are worried. And they’re not fine. So, when we try to reassure them instead of empathizing, it can make them feel invalidated. So, if, like me, you can’t stop yourself from saying, “It’s okay,” amend it to “It’s ok to cry.”
Questions can come off as interrogation. When anyone – yes, including your child – is full of huge overwhelming feelings, they cannot answer questions. This is a normal reaction; we all do this. When we’re crying our hearts out, and someone keeps asking questions, we get riled very quickly – even if they mean well.
Save the lecture until after your child has calmed down. Yes, we want our children to learn a lesson, but when they’re in the middle of a meltdown, their brains are in flight or fight. Nothing logical will filter through. This means statements that start with a “but” are better made once everyone is calm. Again, adults react the same way. Imagine coming home from work incensed at your boss. You confide in your spouse, and instead of supporting you, they say, “Well, you did come in late!”
The current system of reward and punishment can be detrimental to a child’s development. Our obsession with punishing or rewarding children means that we keep employing ineffective “ways of manipulating behavior that destroy the potential for real learning.” Research has shown how bad punishment and its kinder but equally manipulative counterpart, the reward, are, so I won’t repeat them here. For more information, check out the resources below.
Parenting is a long-term game. You cannot expect to be empathetic one time and then disparage it for not stopping the crying. Your goal isn’t to end the tears right now. Your goal is to teach your child a highly important skill – the ability to regulate his emotions and you do that by ensuring that your child feels heard, understood, validated, and supported. That will most likely take a long time, especially if you’ve been silencing their feelings before.
Let us know what you think by commenting below. We’d love to hear from you!
Excellent article, I’ve really learned something surprising about young children, what should be my response when they are expressing their feelings, If someone says stop crying, definitely we are staying their feeling and it’s bad for emotions, children must express the emotion also, as a signal of what is happening to them, remember that children experience the same feelings that we adults do, its absolutely right, thanks for sharing.
You’re welcome, Abayomi. You make excellent points here. Thanks for sharing. 🙂
Reading this article, I got to understand that Having your child say I’m sorry is going to do very little for a child to grow an understanding of how they feel, why they feel, what they can do with all these feelings all precursors to compassion. It takes time to grow a child who can tap into their inner selves and respond with compassion and honesty in a difficult situation, but I think this approach you have written here is better. Thanks
Yes! Our son is now three and we’ve not once forced him to apologise although we model the behaviour to him. So when I make a mistake, I apologise. Now, he apologises without prompting. He says please and thank you. We never had to force him to say any of these words. The method does work – not immediately but in the long-term. Luckily, parenting is a long-term game anyway. 🙂
This is a really great post. I think parenting has to do with a lot of patience and we can’t do it the way we were done. I see alot of parents say the stop crying statement and honestly it doesn’t help. I feel guilty too already, we are subjecting our kids to oppress themselves whatever is eating them up, the pain, were not offering to help, that’s not good. I think you have written this so well. Great post worth sharing.
Thanks, Henderson. Glad to know that this post resonated with you.
Wow! The only thing that was popping in my mind while reading through this post was the fact that I was trying to remember that I had little success with my various attempts to stop my kid from crying while he was younger to which yielded little success. How I wish I came across this post earlier. Wow! This is simply great. I’ll bookmark this post for future references. Thanks
Thanks for sharing your experience, Rodger. We’re glad you like this post.
OMG Jade when I saw the title of this article I was like I don’t even have the words for it. I absolutely feel so sad and kind of angry every time I am out in public and I hear a parent tell the child to stop crying. I thought I was the only one who thought there was anything wrong with that!
Like for example if a child is crying and a grocery store because they want something on the checkout line the parent just tries to dismiss and minimize their feelings! I think that is the worst thing to do to the child. I wish I would see parents actually stopped and give their child some nurturing in some way. I don’t think the answer is always to get the child to Candy because I don’t think candy is really a good thing but I think the answer is definitely to attend to the child’s feelings.
One difficulty with it is that pretty much most people were raised in this anti crying culture where you know crying is discouraged and we have to get everyone to stop crying. But I think crying is so good. I myself grew up in a very anti crying environment and I’ve been in recovery for I don’t know since 2013 and I’m talkin ACA recovery not just stage one recovery and I can still barely ever access any tears.
So OMG Jade like words cannot express how absolutely thrilled I am about you putting this concept into words. You explained it very well and I feel like I wish I could get a link to this article and then handed out around the food store whenever I heard parents telling a child to stop crying. Of course they might not really want to hear me say that so it might not really work. But for people who are interested in loving parenting instead of mean parenting I hope that they find this article.
I think so many people’s emotional growth gets stunted when they get the whole stop crying thing. Or even worse when the parents say stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about OMG that is like the worst thing for a parent to say well not the worse but you know.
Please keep writing more loving parenting stuff because I will keep coming back and keep reading stuff. This article is seriously like more important than anything I’ve seen on the internet in as long as I can remember.
Charles, your words mean a lot to us and we thank you for sharing. You’re right about emotional growth and maturity. We actually can’t understand how the results from scientific studies (since the early 1950s) haven’t filtered through to mainstream parenting (ie.: children who are the recipient of spanking and other forms of punishment tend to develop emotional and mental issues as adults).
Like you, we wish that people would be more open to this kind of parenting. It seems to take a while but then, this is how marriages were hundreds of years ago – people thought it expected that a man would beat his wife. Now, we all know better so we hope that, with many countries adopting legislation banning corporal punishment, we are well on our way to the same destination.
Great question do you ever succeed with stop crying? I think the answer is no more often times than not. This is an interesting perspective from the parent’s point of view. Most times when a child does something bad or even detrimental society is quick to blame the parent. While I believe that a child’s behavior is influenced greatly by his or her parents’ treatment I believe that everyone is different, and some cannot be tamed. I agree that crying is healthy for children. Brilliant alternative in “I can see you’re having such a hard time. It’s hard when you don’t get what you want.” I’m going to pass your post along to some parents that I know, great post!
Thank you. Glad you found the post useful. There are indeed times when the parents are unable to make a difference and in these cases, we always recommend professional intervention to check if there is an underlying physical, mental or emotional issue. It’s easy to cast the blame on either parent or child but sometimes, there are things that are happening that we don’t know about.
Thank you for laying out this scenario. I am trying to find new ways to speak to my child as I feel like I am only making things worse with my words. I never thought of crying as “healthy” and “necessary” but now I have more clarity on the subject. I want to be able to communicate to my child on a deeper level and now I know the correct terms to use instead of forceful terms like “stop crying.” I like the terms “I’m right here” and “You’re not alone” because they provide comfort. I will definitely use these next time my child starts crying. I know that it can be very frustrating being a parent, I am going through it now, but your article has helped me learn different ways of treating a child when they begin to cry. Thanks again for your tips!
You’re welcome, Hillary. Glad you found the information here useful.
Also, remember that you’re more likely to snap or react rashly when you’re stressed out so make sure to spend some time just taking care of you too. 🙂
I tell I am old school! “Spare the rod and spoil the child”! It worked for me. I don’t suggest babying a child but a little firmness also goes a long way! the child should also be taught with misbehavior comes punishment and with good behavior comes reward! As they reach adulthood they will experience this in the real world! what should you do to a child that loves to hit other kids in order to get what they have? I think your suggestions work in some cases but sometimes a good ol’ fashioned spanking is what is needed!
Hi Robert, thank you very much for your input although I must respectfully disagree.
Obviously, children need boundaries and it is our job as parents to ensure that they know what these boundaries are so they can grow up into the kind of adults any parent would be proud of. But I think if we want our children to grow up with compassion and empathy for other people, we need to model that as early as possible.
Research since the 1950s has shown time and again that children on the receiving end of traditional punishment are more likely to develop mental health and relationship issues as adults. They are also at higher risk of becoming more aggressive and violent.
Surely, we’d prefer children to grow up into adults who do the right thing because it’s the right thing to do and not because they’ll get something out of it? Or adults who don’t do something bad simply because they’re avoiding punishment and not because it’s inherently bad?
PS. I’ve been on the receiving end of traditional parenting/punishment myself. I won’t willingly let my son suffer through the same. 🙂
Great advice! I am going to text a link to my daughter lol. I have had 6 children myself and don’t remember the tantrums so much but definately some defiant behaviour now and then. Thankfully they all turned out alright. I see my daughter struggle a bit with her young ones behaviour at times. But again, nothing a calm voice can’t handle. However, you have great infornation here that she could definately benefit from so thanks again.
Wow, I am in awe! 6 children whilst I already have my hands full with just the one. lol
I get asked if we’ll have another one and I really think long and hard about that question haha
Young children are notoriously difficult and sometimes it really does feel like a battle zone. In my experience and from the sounds of it, probably yours too, a calm voice is needed. It’s really finding that “calm centre” that is essential and also difficult.
I find that when I don’t get enough rest that I fail to act with the grace and presence of mind required to model emotional maturity and management – always leads to most of my parenting fails.
It would be interesting to know how you navigated parenting with six children. You are a goddess! 🙂
All this strategies of calming do work. I have used it for friends before and they became very confidential and mutual with me after they got over the emotional melt down. I actually didn’t learn this from anywhere. It was my instinct that lead me to do so. I realised whenever am in that situation, sorry only used to worsen my condition. My children will also receive better calming from me without the word sorry. This guides work more than bribing and saying sorry.
That’s excellent!
Thank you for sharing, Stella. Bribing and saying sorry are my pet peeves just because they are so common and insidious.
In fact, my husband and I also have to call each other out when we slip.
It’s a bit more difficult when we’re talking to other adults, though, who tend not to understand why we don’t force apologies or when we let our child cry rather than ending the tears with a nice chocolate bar or some other bribe.
As a father of three children, I can relate to this article. I was probably guilty of telling my children to stop crying.
In New Zealand, there had been a culture among some minorities of ethnic groups, of belting a child. Some cultures instill fear into their children to control them. There was a backlash against list approach and now there is legislation the outlaws hitting children, especially in schools.
I wish I had found your article when my children were younger, I guess I behaved the way my father behaved, which is threatening and unsympathetic. it was my mother that I would go to when I was sad.
I can see that behavior is generational. It is time to break the tough love attitude of parents, so our children can in turn be loving parents.
I appreciate your article
Aaron
Hi Aaron, thank you for sharing your story.
I also come from the same kind of culture – tough love reigns supreme, children are to be seen and not heard, the parents hold all the power in a household. To be honest, I’m not entirely sure that there are currently countries in the world that treat children differently in general, though it is getting better with time.
That said, I’m horrified by some parents in many countries protesting against laws that protect children from being hit by their parents or other adults in the name of discipline. About 50 or 60 years ago, we all thought it was okay for men to hit their wives and the protest against legislation protecting women were pretty much the same.
I think we can now all agree that this was a good step to take.
I also agree with you that behaviour is generational. There are some studies that showed that children who were spanked grow up to become parents who also spank their children. Unless you do a lot of inner work, you won’t even question it because, to you, that would’ve been the norm.
In fact, I personally need to make sure that I am well-rested and full (ie. not hungry) because when I’m not, my temper ignites far too easily and I then find it difficult to interact with my child with the grace required of me.
I also need to do a lot of inner work as I too am a product of traditional parenting.